- Listen, Listen, Listen
- Try your best to remain calm.
- Do not walk away. Do not clam up.
- Deal with things as they arise and communicate at the earliest appropriate time.
- No physical assaults- that includes grabbing and pushing
- Own your own feelings
- Refrain from blame and shame
- No hyperbole-Refrain from exaggerating for effect. Omit words such as “never” and “always” even if this is what it feels like
- Take 100% responsibility for your thought, feelings and actions.
- Be willing to place HARMONY IN THE RELATIONSHIP above being RIGHT
- No threats or actions that cause long-term pain. Avoid statements regarding leaving for good or ending the relationship. This could cause long-term trauma to the relationship
- Sticks and stones can break hearts. Words can hurt- or heal
- Take responsibility- even if it means laughing at your own foibles. Maturity begins on the day you can laugh at yourself!
- Be compassionate towards yourself, your partner and the human predicament.
- Take an announced, agreed upon break of a few minutes to a few hours. Sleeping on it really does help give a fresh perspective.
- Stay on subject. Refrain from bringing in extraneous history.
- Try to walk in the other person’s shoes. With this powerful technique you can learn so much and become empathetic
- Set your own ground rules. Talk about what works for you both.
- When all else fails come and see me!
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
- Notice what complaining is. Become aware of how you affect yourself and others around you. Remember you are the one who hears yourself the most.
- Separate out healthy complaining from “gvetching” whining, moaning, self-flagellation, negative thinking. It is this kind of thinking and speaking that we are giving up.
- Healthy complaining includes “customer service complaints” which encourages appropriate assertiveness.
- Mourning and grieving and deep prayer are healthy forms of complaining.
- Replacements. The mind abhors a void. Instead of complaining:
- Practice the Creativity Exercise.
- What are five possibilities not necessarily solutions to the problem?
- B. Practice the Gratitude Attitude.
- Be silly and outrageous. We are not problem solving.
- We are brainstorming. -breaking up the blocks in our addictive thinking patterns with humor and possibility.
Gratitude is the Fountain of Healing.
Say, “thank you” twice a day for that which you are truly grateful for in the moment
- Thank yourself
- Thank another person out-loud
- Thank God
No gratitude is too big or too small.
Notice the changes that you go through as you give up this addiction.
You will truly free yourself and open yourself and others to creative possibility
Complaining is the Number #1 addiction. It brings you down and inhibits creativity. This process works by awareness. Each time you notice that you are complaining – you must go back to Day 1 and start over. Rather than being discouraging you probably will begin to feel so much better, that the intrinsic good feelings of freedom will make you want to forge ahead.